Today was the saddest night I have ever felt before. Carole told me that I could pick a horse that I wanted to ride, so I chose Charley. He's a big percheron. It was just entirely too hard for me to know that Razz wasn't there. I brought the hay cart down towards his stall, and...I swear to God I could hear him crying out to me in my head wanting hay. It made my heart twinge and I wanted to cry so badly. To not have him there makes it extremely hard, but he'll always be in my heart, like Emmel told me. I rode Charley tonight, but my heart wasn't into it. I smiled, but my pain showed. I was heartbroken and just wanted to sit on top of Charley and walk around for the rest of the lesson, which is what I did. Honestly, I felt like crying. It's still all to devastating. The news destroyed me in ways that I didn't know it could. My heart has never felt this low in such a long time. And I know Razz wouldn't want me to be sad, but he made me so happy. He gave me the confidence I needed to strive to do better. Tonight was a sad ride for me, and I know Carole saw it in me. I just wanted to walk around, I was too upset and distraught. I do not want to give up riding, because I love it with all my heart. To know that Razz is on Rainbow Bridge waiting for me, puts my heart at ease. Words cannot describe how much I loved Razz, and still love him. He will always be apart of me, in my heart and mind forever.
I ask that you all bare with me while I go through this grieving. Razz and I were close, and I just am trying to get better, but it won't for some time.
((posted in equimania and equestrian))